Fresh Beat Band: Resistance is useless

YouTube – Fresh Beat Band.

You will be assimilated. You will listen to the slickly produced songs. You will watch the bright, bouncy videos in which even the “found objects” that make up “Marina’s” “drum” set are painted in preschool colors.

You won’t mind that the “rap” dude (“Twist,” of course) sounds like Jim Carrey’s impression of Vanilla Ice. You will, on the other hand, wonder if the former soap actress playing “Marina” is a long-lost relative of Khrystne Haje from Head of the Class.

And your kids will be dancing. Get used to it. We are not going away.

Just pray that your kids won’t graduate to Hannah Montana.

 

Explaining The Simpsons to a 4-year-old

“Daddy, why did Moe drive past the hospital?”

“Well, sometimes Moe is mean. In fact, Moe is usually a bad guy.”

“But he gives people beer. What makes him bad?”

 

MMM Jr. goes to church

It was an “Advent lessons and carols” service, which in retrospect was not the best place for an inquisitive 4-year-old who doesn’t go to such things that often.

Imagine the conversation taking place in a stage whisper …

Daddy?

What is it?

When are they going to turn the lights on?

Well, they’re going to light all these candles to make it brighter.

But when?

I don’t know.

(Skipping ahead — candles now lit)

Daddy?

Yes?

Who’s singing this?

See all those people up there? They’re singing.

But what are their names?

I don’t kn — I’ll tell you more later, can you be quiet for a while?

But why?

Because we’re all enjoying the music.

Why are we enjoying the music?

Because it’s nice — please? You’ll get a treat when we get home. Can you be quiet for five minutes unless you have to go potty?

OK. (Moves hand to cover mouth)

…

…

…

Daddy?

Yes, what is it?

I’m being quiet.

Good … well … actually, you’re not — but good. We’ll leave after one more song, OK?

OK.

…

…

…

Daddy?

(exasperated) What is it?

When are they going to turn the lights on?

Remember? They lit the candles.

Is the light — the candles — the light on the candles? Is that fire?

Yes, but it’s OK.

How do they make the fire?

We come in here and pray to Prometheus for a well-timed … look, can you wait one more song? Please?

OK, Daddy. (Plays with his “Bionicle” toy on the hymnal.)

…

…

Daddy?

Wh … What is it?

This is Bionicle’s Bible.

That’s sweet, son. Now can you be quiet for this last song before we go?

OK

…

…

…

Daddy?

#$%@! What?

I’m being quiet.

 

Tied in a Seussian knot

In One fish, Two fish, Red fish, Blue fish, Dr. Seuss asks a question that traps any father who happens to be reading it to his kid(s):

Some are sad. And some are glad.
And some are very, very bad.
Why are they sad and glad and bad?
I do not know. Go ask your dad.

With that, I undid much of MMM Jr.’s progress in mastering pronouns.