If the ’60s had been snarky …

A hypothetical record review page if Blender or Pitchfork or whatever those VH1 guys write for existed in the ’60s:

JIMI HENDRIX, Are You Experienced?

For some reason, all these guitarists these days are just getting weird. Take Jimi Hendrix, who isn’t even playing notes. The titletrack has a bunch of woop-woop sounds. What’s that supposed to be? And then check out the lyrics on Purple Haze — “Excuse me while I kiss the sky?” Um, OK, what sort of social engagement were you having at which you’d need to say “excuse me” before kissing the sky. And is it really such a good idea to kiss the sky? I mean, the sky has been with everyone on Earth. Ewww. That makes Janis Joplin look like a nun.

Apparently, in concert, Hendrix plays the guitar with his teeth. Maybe he should do ads for dentists.

THE BEATLES, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Yeah, we know, these guys have been a campy diversion for a couple of years now. Tomorrow Never Knows was so completely over-the-top psychedelic that you just had to laugh. And Paul McCartney got so overwrought on Michelle that he actually lapsed into French.

But you won’t believe what the Liverpudlians have done on this one. First of all, they forgot to put breaks between the songs! You’re listening to some marginally enjoyable song, and all of a sudden you’re in the next one? How are you even supposed to know which song you’re listening to?

Yet that’s not even the record for laziness on this record. At the end of A Day in the Life, just after a horrendously out-of-tune orchestra blares for a bit, they just leave the mike on a piano chord. It just sits there, for what seems like eternity. Nice going, guys. Maybe next time, you can just play one guitar chord for 10 minutes and crash a cymbal at the end.

And what sort of band is led by a sergeant? They couldn’t at least get an officer?

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